Jonah Hex

Blimey it's late. Or early. Or something. Definitely struggling a bit now. If I can get through one more film we'll be getting very close to landing back in good old Blighty. Jonah Hex looks like it might fit the bill and the excellent comic book style intro has got me interested and more awake already.

Josh Brolin is a civil war soldier bloke who has a run in with Malkovich's nasty bastard bloke. Never have a run in with a movie Malkovich. He murders his family, scars up his grizzly face and leaves him for dead and stuff. The near dead-ness gives him supernatural powers and he returns with a vengeance, a scarred up grizzly face and an awesome horse-bound big clanky gun.

So far so good then and I found myself quite enjoying it. One of Brolin's new 'look at me , I'm not dead' tricks is that he can reanimate corpses for interrogation and these scenes are really good. Very creepy. In fact, the whole supernatural vibe of the film was well realised.

Suddenly though, being up for almost 24 hours caught up with me and I started mini dozing which meant I had no idea what Megan Fox's prossie was up to or what all the red dust scenes were about. It's a pretty short film too so before I knew it, it was all over. Still, I quite enjoyed it and best of all there's only 90 minutes left now till we land. Breakfast soon and then sunrise.

Cop Out

The trouble with watching lots of films is that you have fewer films to see. That random statement has more meaning when you're scouring an in-flight entertainment system looking for something to watch. Iron Man 2, Toy Story 3, Predators - yeh, yeh, yeh seen those. I need something new and undemanding to while away another hour or two. I know, how about Cop Out? Sure it's had some bad reviews but Wincey Willis is always fun to watch with a weapon and a wisecrack. It can't be that bad.

It is.

Christ on a bike, this is (un)comfortably one of the worst films I've ever seen. A complete turd toupee of a movie. Breathtakingly stupid and insulting to the intelligence of anyone unintelligent enough to watch it. A career low for all concerned. I don't know who Tracy Morgan is but as well as having a name that sounds like a low-rent porn star, he is incredibly irritating. And self-referential nods to John McClane are not big or clever either.

The more I watched this, the more it became an endurance event. Despite it being the very early hours of the day on a night flight when everyone else was asleep and I felt dreadful, I was determined that I would see every excruciating minute. And I made it. Just. I deserve some kind of award.

Under 3 hours till we land. Surely whatever film I watch next has to be an improvement...

Prince Of Persia

On the plane back from Florida now. This is bad for two reasons - I hate flying and I hate holidays ending. I have a plan though. I'm going to chain-movie-watch and see as many as I can back to back. First up, the film from game thingy that is Prince Of Persia.

Another Jack Daniels and Coke first. Nom. Right film's off. Jake bloke appears to have dodgy accent but he is good at all the jumpy, swingy stuff. And he looks proper buff eh girls? Must ignore Gemma Arterton, must ignore. Focus on Alf Molina's amusing guy-liner. Or Benjy Kingsley doing malevolent stares and blatantly looking forward to picking up his pay cheque. This is all a bit meh so far. Still can't bear Gemma A.

Disney were obviously hoping for another Pirates Of Da Caribbean style franchise here. Heads up Mickey, you ain't going to get it mate. Too boring and unoriginal. And don't try to be all 'relevant' by throwing in a hunt for WMD story thread.

SNAKES! Hope Mrs F isn't watching this (leans round seat), nope she's watching Friends. Safe.

Film over. Above average only in its ability to be completely average. Just under 5 hrs to go. Time for another film...

Get Him To The Greek

In which the erudite, grandpa botherer plays a gobby, druggy, drinky rockstar who causes grief for a lardy record label bloke. Was supposed to be very funny. It, um, isn't. Though there is a bit with a dildo that made me chuckle out loud. Then again, just the word dildo makes me snigger.

This was another film I watched on the plane. Did I mention my holiday? Oh.

I like Russell Brand. Decided I don't like the other fella though. You know, the chunky one who talks from the back of his mouth. The scenes with him and his girlfriend are all very clunky. Which rhymes with chunky.

Piff, puff, poof daddy earnt a bonus point or two for his silly, shouty record label boss bloke.

Have we arrived in Florida yet?

Green Zone

Watched this on the plane to Florida. Not the best environment to fully absorb the film but me was a bit disappointed. It's just a bit...dull. Another excuse to show what a massive fuck up the hunt for WMDs was - or at least how politically motivated it was.

Angry Jason bloke with his YMCA moustache was entertaining as was the Jack Daniels and Coke the stewardess brought me. But in between straining to hear the dialogue over the cabin noise and taking my sons for toilet breaks, it was quite hard to get into the story. And to be honest there was little encouragement for me to persevere. Damon and Greengrass together on the Bourne films was cinematic gold but they were a long way from Fort Knox with this one.

Conan The Barbarian

Too long has this been an Arnie film I've not seen. Hmm, a Yoda style poem to start with - nice. Boom, boom blasts Basil Poledouris' score at the start and the swords and sorcery shenanigans is underway.

Ooh, look at little Arnie turning into grown up Arnie whilst pushing a big wheel round and round. His physique in this film is ridiculous! Muscle hustle. Aaaah - he's being attacked by a crazy fire witch bitch. Ok now. Right on to a long running montage with his new friend. Bless him. Oh now he's got himself a lady friend. Conan the cuddler.

Two animal scenes made me giggle. First Conan decks a camel (think he was giving him the hump) and then he bites into the neck of a fake vulture.

The spooky nymph thingies trying to drag him off to the netherworld were cool for 1982. Also cool was Conan's lady chum in her Kiss make up. I'm really enjoying this film.

Eeek! Darth Viper attacks!

Everything's ok now. The picture at the end of King Conan on his throne was awesome. A real throne, not a picture of him having a poo.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

You know, the film about the farm boy. First time I'd watched this so closely after Ep 3 and it does give you a different slant on some scenes - especially Obi-Wan and D Vader getting to know each other again.

I dozed off in a few places. I know I've always found the Tattooine scenes a bit dull but the snoozage was a surprise. Unfortunately I was awake for the special edition gash that is Han talking to crap CGI Jabba. Don't mean to sound like the Star Wars nerd that I am, but christ on a bike that's shit.

I still think the Death Star was real though. The corridors and hangar etc are so convincing that I like to think I'm watching some sort of space documentary.

I love Star Wars I do.