What Just Happened?

A movie producer who's having a bit of a narky week. Dead dogs, re-upholstered chairs, daughter boffing an agent who's just topped himself, Bruce Willis having an extravagantly hirsute chin. Stuff like that. This is supposed to be one of those sly, witty looks into the Hollywood machine. Trouble is it's neither glamourous enough to be titillating, nor insightful enough to be interesting or clever enough to be involving. There's not enough 'ings'. It just smooches along and makes you go "heh" every now and then. De Niro is good value as the 'Just For Men' daubing producer. I liked the elderly lady organist playing Every Breath You Take at the memorial service too. Bonjour!

Shutter Island

Scorsese has always been my bushy-eyebrowed hero so naturally I was really looking forward to this. First hour or so was great too - really atmospheric, interesting...beguiling even. Had a really different feel to it. My brain was whirring away trying to second guess the story and my eyes were drinking in the sumptuous visuals. Can eyes even drink? Mine were. Some of the flashback/dream scenes were stunning. The sparring between Leo di C and Ben Kingsley was excellent as well. Those guys can act. Which is good because it is their job.

Second hour was not so good though. I'd pretty much worked out the ending and was becoming distracted by the often overbearing music, the stupidly hot cinema and the overlong running time. I guess it must be really hard to trim down shots and scenes that have been so carefully orchestrated but it can make things so much better. The film really doesn't end well either. It huffs and puffs its way over the finishing line even though the audience had reached a natural resolution about 10 minutes earlier.

This is the sort of film that's going to be a great late night watch for those who stumble upon it on the telly in years to come but there's no repeat views here for me. Shame really. I still adore Marty and I'm sure he has another truly great film in him somewhere. Hope so.

Fast And Furious

I was so excited about watching this - a new Fast and Furious film! It's like a dream come true. And this time they've dropped both uses of 'the' so you can say it even quicker. No more 'The Fast and the Furious', that's like sooo 2001. I hope they get rid of the 'and' next. 'Fast furious' yeah! Or maybe they could stop using those dull old vowels - 'Fst frs' - boom!

Vindy wears some lovely knitwear in this powerful and absorbing study of undercover cops and pissed off chunky monkeys who race cars that are fuelled by pure testosterone - piped straight from their nads. It was all a bit gash. And dull. I was forced to punch my chin 6 times for having it on my dvd rental list and then actually watching it. Spanner.

Cars

Jack's always pushing toy cars around and he got a race track today too which he's already obsessed with. "Race" was instantly his new favourite word - bless. Thought we'd see how he got on watching his first film so sat down with him and Luke and put 'Cars' on. He loved the first 20 minutes or so with all the exciting racing but wandered off when Lightning McQueen gets stuck in Radiator Springs.

I kind of agree with him. All the nostalgic wallowing in Americana is a bit of a come-down after the great start. You can tell this was a labour of love for John Lassetter but some of the more grown-up themes are less easy for little kids to absorb than other Pixar films. As always though the characters draw you in. Think this was one of Paul Newman's last roles and he's spot on as Doc. By the time the big race came about at the end, Jack was back on the sofa and cheering on his new hero McQueen. Can't wait to take the boys to see Cars 2!

Sex Drive

Has anyone had a 'corn dog'? I really want to try one. Ahh, the good old American teen comedy. Jizz, breasticles, scrotums and homophobia - they're all here my friend. Thankfully my supremely juvenile sense of humour carried me through. It's exactly like American Pie meets Road Trip. Exactly. Snigger count: moderate to good. Shocked gasps from wife: two. Really liked the Donut costume. Well made for the 'yoof' lot with all the instant messaging and texty visuals. Interesting to see how long it'll be before it all looks really dated. Let's meet back here in 10 years and have a catch up yeh? Don't give me that 'washing my hair' shit. I would like to stay in a cheesily themed motel and throw my shoes into a tree though. Bye!

Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief

Took a very excited Luke to see this today. Tons of people there to see Alice In Wonderland so much queue-me-do was in effect. Stress! Got in just in time as the film was about to start. Starts off very confidently and sets the story up nicely. James Bond as horse was good. As was the bag each of Revels and Mini Eggs that we shared. Nom. Macguffins used to steer characters from one location set-piece to another was a bit tiresome. As are Macguffins generally. And people who comment on Macguffins are the dullest of all. Um. Story firmly in the back seat now - yawn - looking forward to seeing Alan Partridge as the devil again. Effects were decent. So like, if the ancient Greek Gods were going to create portals to travel between their magnificent world and our humble planet - would they really have based it all in the USA? Didn't any of them suggest - you know- Greece? Luke loved it and it does look like a franchise could be in the offing. Entertaining but slight overall then. Like a Fetherlite Durex.

Jennifer's Body

A skanky turd of a movie. Not helped by me feeling rough and being in a fuck of a grumpy mood. Bad week. There was some spiky, black vomit. Not in my week silly you - in this film. Umm, what else happened? Some stuff that was not worth looking at. Even Mmmm Fox didn't deliver on the film's title - not once was I distracted from my choc and wine gorgefest (like I said, bad week) by carnal treats. Lance Henriksen looks old and JK Simmons is pretending to be Dr No. The last two films I've seen have been poo. Me no happy and like not this film diet. Some tastier morsels promised at the cinema this month though yeh?