War

Thought this was going to be good stupid fun - sadly my rather hopeful oxymoron was wasted. You'd think that pitting the balletic grace of Jet Li against the bull-in-a-china-shop urgency of Jason Statham would make the fight scenes entertaining if nothing else. Unfortunately they barely meet and when they finally have a barney, the action is so pedestrian and clumsily directed that there's nothing to get excited about. There's a hint of a good story in there somewhere - revenge obsessed hitman guy works for the Yakuza and the Triads and takes them both down whilst being hunted by a revenge obsessed FBI guy. For a film that's all about executions though, it's very poorly executed (snarf, me clever). I ate two creme eggs in a row during this.

Alice In Wonderland

Took Luke to see this straight from his swimming class (excellent front crawl today). Got there a bit early silly, resulting in having to stand outside with Muggles waiting for the cinema to open. Loads of kids too including some really noisy and brash American brats. 'Talk about living up to your stereotype' I thought stereotypically.

Film was no less than very pleasant. Lovely to look at, great designs and visuals which you'd expect from Tim Burton of course. Felt curiously un-Burton to me though - think I just prefer his more gothic tendencies which weren't really called for here. Wonderland looked fab though. Froggy footmen, Cheshire Cat (great voicework by Lord Fry) and the Matt Lucas X2 Tweedledum and Tweedledee were my enjoyables. Alan Rickman as the Yoda-like smoky caterpillar was cool too. We saw the 3D version of course but you could tell it was a conversion job rather than something made deliberately for 3D. Also wish the glasses they give you could be a bit less Dennis Taylor and wrap more snugly round your face - I find them a bit distracting when I'm trying to lose myself in the film.

So yeah the non-story just ambles along, Johnny Depp does his quirky thing and it all looks very pretty and then gets to a mini Lord Of The Rings style battle with two armies and an impressive dragony Jabberwocky. Christopher Lee does the voice of said snarly beast dude - another treat, I could happily listen to him saying anything. Those rich timbres and deep boom tones really do it for me. Not in that way dirty you. Oh the girly girl who plays Alice was blooming good too and all the better for being a complete unknown. Well done casting director person. Yes, I agree with me above - a very pleasant film. More for the senses than anything else. I will definitely watch this film again. Yes.

Milk

Good film. Scores extra points for the incredible performance by Sean Penn. I'd no idea who Harvey Milk was before watching this but from the very first scene, the character is fully formed and vividly brought (back) to life. Important story, both sad and inspiring at the same time. Got lost a bit with all the legal machinations and the US political system...but just a bit. Speed Racer's in it - didn't even recognise him. 70's setting is perfectly recreated.

Film is very well constructed by Van Sant with the story cleverly told through narration, flashback and archive footage. End scenes where the real life people are shown after the actors who played them here is simple and moving. Great ending. Would be nice to think that the ignorance and intolerance portrayed in the film doesn't exist these days. Not sure that's the case...  :(

Zombieland

Me watch another zombie film. Entertaining this. Bit of a road movie, comedy, action, horror, teen thingy really. Loved the narration by the anxiety filled, rule-driven geek. Think I identified with him. You know - coz of all the zombie slaying I do and that. Woody Harrelson was great fun to watch too....please can I ride on a rollercoaster whilst shooting the undead with a shotgun? Looney Toons type slaying was very amusing but a lot more sporadic than you might have expected from the trailer.

I did feel a bit short changed by the end but then the film was barely 80 minutes long. This was a rare modern movie that could actually have done with another 20 minutes or so on its running time. Using the info-text as an onscreen device that reacted physically to what was going on was pretty cool. Hope this doesn't get stolen by every lazy filmmaker so it becomes a dull-me-up. Twinkies. I've never had a Twinkie. I want a Twinkie. Apparently they're going to make a sequel in 3D. That could actually be very fun to watch. "Any regrets?" "Garfield maybe..." Heh.

Dead Snow

Nazi zombies, death by snowmobile, death by chainsaw, death by snowmobile-mounted machine gun, novel uses for intestines, death by hammers. You should now know if you fancy seeing this or not. I thought it was great fun - it's certainly helped no end by getting better as it goes along, being the perfect length and having a brilliant ending. See it's not all Fjords and mooses in Norway, they can make stupidly entertaining horror movies too. Not so sure about the post-poo sex bit in the outdoor shitter though.....ewwww! That's just taking things too far. Rip people's heads apart till their brains splatter in the snow all you like but let's have some respect for basic hygiene eh?

What Just Happened?

A movie producer who's having a bit of a narky week. Dead dogs, re-upholstered chairs, daughter boffing an agent who's just topped himself, Bruce Willis having an extravagantly hirsute chin. Stuff like that. This is supposed to be one of those sly, witty looks into the Hollywood machine. Trouble is it's neither glamourous enough to be titillating, nor insightful enough to be interesting or clever enough to be involving. There's not enough 'ings'. It just smooches along and makes you go "heh" every now and then. De Niro is good value as the 'Just For Men' daubing producer. I liked the elderly lady organist playing Every Breath You Take at the memorial service too. Bonjour!

Shutter Island

Scorsese has always been my bushy-eyebrowed hero so naturally I was really looking forward to this. First hour or so was great too - really atmospheric, interesting...beguiling even. Had a really different feel to it. My brain was whirring away trying to second guess the story and my eyes were drinking in the sumptuous visuals. Can eyes even drink? Mine were. Some of the flashback/dream scenes were stunning. The sparring between Leo di C and Ben Kingsley was excellent as well. Those guys can act. Which is good because it is their job.

Second hour was not so good though. I'd pretty much worked out the ending and was becoming distracted by the often overbearing music, the stupidly hot cinema and the overlong running time. I guess it must be really hard to trim down shots and scenes that have been so carefully orchestrated but it can make things so much better. The film really doesn't end well either. It huffs and puffs its way over the finishing line even though the audience had reached a natural resolution about 10 minutes earlier.

This is the sort of film that's going to be a great late night watch for those who stumble upon it on the telly in years to come but there's no repeat views here for me. Shame really. I still adore Marty and I'm sure he has another truly great film in him somewhere. Hope so.

Fast And Furious

I was so excited about watching this - a new Fast and Furious film! It's like a dream come true. And this time they've dropped both uses of 'the' so you can say it even quicker. No more 'The Fast and the Furious', that's like sooo 2001. I hope they get rid of the 'and' next. 'Fast furious' yeah! Or maybe they could stop using those dull old vowels - 'Fst frs' - boom!

Vindy wears some lovely knitwear in this powerful and absorbing study of undercover cops and pissed off chunky monkeys who race cars that are fuelled by pure testosterone - piped straight from their nads. It was all a bit gash. And dull. I was forced to punch my chin 6 times for having it on my dvd rental list and then actually watching it. Spanner.

Cars

Jack's always pushing toy cars around and he got a race track today too which he's already obsessed with. "Race" was instantly his new favourite word - bless. Thought we'd see how he got on watching his first film so sat down with him and Luke and put 'Cars' on. He loved the first 20 minutes or so with all the exciting racing but wandered off when Lightning McQueen gets stuck in Radiator Springs.

I kind of agree with him. All the nostalgic wallowing in Americana is a bit of a come-down after the great start. You can tell this was a labour of love for John Lassetter but some of the more grown-up themes are less easy for little kids to absorb than other Pixar films. As always though the characters draw you in. Think this was one of Paul Newman's last roles and he's spot on as Doc. By the time the big race came about at the end, Jack was back on the sofa and cheering on his new hero McQueen. Can't wait to take the boys to see Cars 2!

Sex Drive

Has anyone had a 'corn dog'? I really want to try one. Ahh, the good old American teen comedy. Jizz, breasticles, scrotums and homophobia - they're all here my friend. Thankfully my supremely juvenile sense of humour carried me through. It's exactly like American Pie meets Road Trip. Exactly. Snigger count: moderate to good. Shocked gasps from wife: two. Really liked the Donut costume. Well made for the 'yoof' lot with all the instant messaging and texty visuals. Interesting to see how long it'll be before it all looks really dated. Let's meet back here in 10 years and have a catch up yeh? Don't give me that 'washing my hair' shit. I would like to stay in a cheesily themed motel and throw my shoes into a tree though. Bye!

Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief

Took a very excited Luke to see this today. Tons of people there to see Alice In Wonderland so much queue-me-do was in effect. Stress! Got in just in time as the film was about to start. Starts off very confidently and sets the story up nicely. James Bond as horse was good. As was the bag each of Revels and Mini Eggs that we shared. Nom. Macguffins used to steer characters from one location set-piece to another was a bit tiresome. As are Macguffins generally. And people who comment on Macguffins are the dullest of all. Um. Story firmly in the back seat now - yawn - looking forward to seeing Alan Partridge as the devil again. Effects were decent. So like, if the ancient Greek Gods were going to create portals to travel between their magnificent world and our humble planet - would they really have based it all in the USA? Didn't any of them suggest - you know- Greece? Luke loved it and it does look like a franchise could be in the offing. Entertaining but slight overall then. Like a Fetherlite Durex.

Jennifer's Body

A skanky turd of a movie. Not helped by me feeling rough and being in a fuck of a grumpy mood. Bad week. There was some spiky, black vomit. Not in my week silly you - in this film. Umm, what else happened? Some stuff that was not worth looking at. Even Mmmm Fox didn't deliver on the film's title - not once was I distracted from my choc and wine gorgefest (like I said, bad week) by carnal treats. Lance Henriksen looks old and JK Simmons is pretending to be Dr No. The last two films I've seen have been poo. Me no happy and like not this film diet. Some tastier morsels promised at the cinema this month though yeh?